Office Life...a Composition of Misery

Special Guest Blogger - Joe

2004-09-17T11:18:00.000-04:00

Here's a funny story from another corporate slave out there, Joe! I feel your pain. It looks like you've got your typical boring, rational, managers....yeah right!

I am a computer programmer. Currently I work for a company that offers credit to people that can't get credit elsewhere. We charge them a fortune, take their money, and sell them stuff at outrageous. (If my boss is reading this, you already know how I feel).But I still go in and help the owners make more and take my pieces of silver from the poor.

Several weeks ago one of the computer file servers died, taking a lot of data with it. After the crash it was found that there were very few tape backups made, most could not be read, and we lost a lot of data. Many hours were spent in reconstruction, people taking manual inventory and entering orders from paper copies, and lots of time in pulling print files into data files. As a result of the crash my boss(the big one) and a hardware guy lost their jobs. My boss because he didn't plan for problems, the hardware guy because he didn't make tape backups on the drives my boss didn't authorize purchase of.(sound good?)

This company is owned by two men that are concerned with what goes on, but I am told that they at times are a little emotional over people that mess up. I've only seen one of them once, and the other sends instructions through the president. Everybody is afraid of them.

This morning my project manager had a problem, and just as he was about to demo his new program to one of the owners he lost some program files. It took a while, but he found that there was no backup, and he had no backup copies of his own. After last month's episode this didn't sound too good. Especially since we were all supposed to practice with demos for the owners, and were not supposed to mess up. Especially with backups.

Lots of yelling took place at assorted times, and in early afternoon the hardware manager walked in talking on his cell phone. I guess he was being blamed for not having a backup of my PM's computer (no, he backs up the servers not the 400 desktops). He was talking to the emotional owner, and said that the owner wanted us to all hear the conversation. Putting the cell phone down on the PM,'s desk, we proceeded to hear the most interesting one sided conversation that I have ever been part of. I think it deserves an award for the longest single rant by someone who never took the time to breath. The conversation went something like:

I f*****g am f*****g tired of f*****g around f*****g people who f*****g can't f*****g get f*****g their f*****g act f*****g together.If f*****g you f*****g people f*****g can't f*****g do f*****g yourf*****g job f*****g you f*****g all f*****g can f*****g just f*****gpack f*****g up f*****g your f*****g desks and f*****g get f*****gout f*****g of f*****g here f*****g and f*****g find f*****g workf*****g some f*****g other f*****g place f*****g else.

There were about ten minutes of screaming, most of which was not intelligible because of the volume which caused the little cell phone speaker to go all fuzzy. But I am sure that there were rarely two words in a row that did not have the word f*****g inserted between them. I put down 'tired of' above, but it was probably 'f*****g tiredf*****g of f*****g', but I can't remember for sure. My PM did find a copy of the program only about a week old. He workedfor a few hours to enter all of the changes he has been putting in,and gave a demo again around 4. He fully expects to last no more thana week before being told to leave, if that long. He has been herefour years, and knows the owners well. But not well enough to mess upin a demo for them. The office pool gives even odds (nice phrase,even odds - appropriate for Vegas) that our entire group (6programmers) will be canned, leaving the company to really fall apartwithout software support. (the programs really are unreliable, and there are daily problems). But I guess if you start up and are sole owners of a company you can get as mad as you want to with your slaves (sorry, employees). Nice, friendly environment.

You can read Joe's blog here: http://joeinvegas.blogspot.com/

Wow, this is an insult

2004-09-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

Ok, I've debated internally whether or not to post this rant over the past week. I'm fairly certain that no one from my work place reads this, so I don't know what I'm worrying about. Even if they do F- 'em.

I first wrote about this topic here: http://ihatethisjob.blogspot.com/2004/08/company-move.html

Well, this move has taken place. Maybe it took place three weeks ago, maybe it was three months ago. The timing is not important, but the end result is what matters.

Insult #1: As I predicted, I have lost my window seat. I am near a window, but it there is someone else in front of it. Not only that, but the cubes with lots of privacy that I'm accustomed to have been replaced with half-height, glass sections.

Insult #2: There is no way I could have seen this one coming. In fact, none of the managers have any idea how this happened. The folks that open the mail have been given bigger cubes with full window views of the downtown area.

Let me repeat that in case anyone read too quickly: The folks that open the mail have been given bigger cubes with full window views of the downtown area.

In other news, I hear productivity is down in that department because they can't stop looking out their windows at the pretty view.

My new space is out in the open, where anyone can walk by and see what I'm working on, and what's on my screen.

I don't have a problem with people looking at my screen, but I pay for the pornography that I download at work. I can't have people just freeloading off my screen now can I?

I think it's really time for me to get out of here.

Letter #1 - Reply

2004-08-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

These guys are great, they actually responded:

To: BlogBrian@gmail.com
From: XXXXXXXX@vortexdehydration.com

Dear Brian,
Thank you for your inquiry and interest in
Vortex Dehydration Systems.

We are in the final commercial development
stage of our technology and equipment. We are a very small company with limited
means to respond to inquiries. We have no promotional items available. Please
continue to monitor our website at http://www.vortexdehydration.com periodically as
we will announce product development and availability.

To date no one
has ever fallen into one of our machines. If they did, I think we could hear
them scream but gurgles would likely be hard to discern. Actually the way these
units are built, there is no way a person could get inside an operable unit.

I like your ideas. Sounds like a winner for the next James Bond movie.

Regards,
Bill XXXXX
Vortex Dehydration
Marketing
Manager

hmmm....looks like these guys got the joke huh?

Letter #1

2004-08-26T12:33:00.000-04:00

Today has only consisted of wasting time at the airport while I wait for my plane to take me away on my business trip/vacation. Of course the flight is delayed, so I've been reading MSNBC for the past hour.

I came across the following article: Tornado in a Can

For some deragned reason or another, this sparked some sort of creativity deep inside the recesses of my brain and I decided to fire off a joke email to the company behind it: Vortex Dehydration. I'm hoping to get some sort of response, but I won't hold my breath.

Here's the email for your enjoyment (perhaps?)

To:info@vortexdehydration.com
From: BlogBrian@gmail.com
Subject: I have some questions about your machine.

Dear Sirs,

I recently found your incredible machine while reading articles on MSNBC.com. It
says that your 'Tornado in a Can' can reduce organic matter into particles only
0.00004" in diameter almost instantaneously.

It seems like such a fabulous contraption could also be dangerous. That leads me to several questions:

What would happen if someone were to fall or be pushed/dumped into the machine?

Would they be turned to powder?

What about any bone fragments?

Could DNA testing still be done on the resulting pieces?

Can screams be heard from outside the machine, or does the tornado action overpower any violent yelps and gurgles?

I look forward to hearing from you! By the way, do you have any free promotional items you'd like to send me?

Regards,

Brian

Ok, so maybe it's not the most enthralling email you've ever seen in your life, but hey, I'm bored. I'll be sure to post any response that I get from those guys.

In the meantime, I want to hear your warstories! If anyone is interested in posting something about their miserable Office Life experiences, please let me know. If it's a good story, I'll put it on the front page.

Email, Vacations, and Steak

2004-08-24T12:50:00.000-04:00

I'm taking off Thursday and Friday as I've somehow convinced the company that I need to visit two of our smallest clients in Houston with one of our sales reps.

What that means is two meetings on Thursday; both before noon. Then eating and drinking ourselves into oblivion through Friday night...all on the company dollar! I'm going to find a great steakhouse and gorge myself on a porterhouse, wine, cigars, and anything else on the menu.

Of course the client will be at the meal...I would never lie to the company about that! Man do I love expensing food! Nothing like taking advantage of the system.

Anybody know of a good steak place out there?

Though it's not technically a vacation, I consider anything that gets me out of the office for more than 3 hours to be a vacation.

The only problem is that on Monday when I return, there will most likely be over 100 emails for me to look through. The good thing is that I have a solution to that problem.

I delete everything.

Any emails that I get over a long weekend or a vacation are immediately deleted upon my return. The way I figure it, anyone who has sent me something really important will follow up with me, or resend the email. Everything else is just junk that I don't need to care about.

Think about it? How many emails do you get in a day? I just did an 'Advanced Search' through Outlook: during the past 7 days I have received 400 emails. 400 emails?! Does that seem screwed up to anyone?

How many times do you get an email back from someone that only says, "Thanks" or "Ok" or "LOL!"? Do people really need to send an email for that? It's stupid! If that's all you have to say, DON'T REPLY! Would you call someone on the phone just to say that? Most emails are pointless, it's ok to admit that to yourself.

Email has really reduced corporate communication to the truncated sentences of it's disenfranchised employees.

Email is awful because it has created a very easy way for Managers to shove off responsibility onto their employees without having to actually talk to them. It's way too simple to email someone, "Hey Bob, can you pull this report together on the mating ritual of the African Dung Beetle by noon? Thanks!"

Maybe, just maybe, you didn't get the email till 1pm because you were at a client meeting, but Manager X assumes you have it and are dilligently working on the project. Who gets in trouble now?

Ugh, I can't wait to escape. I can almost taste that porterhouse!

How to get more money

2004-08-23T12:46:00.000-04:00

I have found that there is one really great way to get that raise you're looking for: Get offered another job so you can threaten to leave.

It's the kind of thing that you hear rumors about but don't believe until you actually know someone who tried it. Well I do now.

My good friend Lou works in the Marketing dept of our company. He is a valued employee having been here six years, and handles some vital functions for his area. For the past year, Lou has complained that he isn't being paid what he is worth (and because he is not an executive or a director this is true). Unlike most though, Lou doesn't just complain to me, he escalates the situation to his superiors. For one whole year, he has said that the company needs to be paying him more.

It's correct. If you go to Salary.com, Lou's report shows him he should be earning at least 10k-12k more than he currently is.

This is interesting to me because at this point I feel that I am way overpaid for the functions that I perform, yet still underpaid as per my skill/talent level/value. But hey, you can bet that I'm not going to tell my company that I need a pay reduction.

Of course the company has done nothing to "true up" Lou's salary, even though his boss has said, "The worst thing I could imagine is you suddenly coming up to me and giving me your resignation letter." Yes, they actually said that.

So Lou has become fed up with all of this and decides to start looking for a new job. He contacts a headhunter through a friend of his family. This is the progression of events:

Lou and headhunter talk
Lou sends headhunter a resume
Headhunter sets up Lou on an interview
Lou goes on interview
Lou asked back for follow up interview
Company offers Lou job with a generous pay increase
Lou accepts position
Lou submits resignation

This all happens within 10 days of Lou contacting the headhunter. Perhaps I'm naive about some of this, but that's really quick, right? So much for unemployment being at a 30 year high?

(I'd like to digress about the unemployment rate and how can it be so high yet at the same time there are millions of job listings on Monster.com, Careerbuilder.com, and even in the regular paper every day. I'm sure someone who is a senior manager at a company doesn't want to be a truck driver, but hey, the jobs are out there)

(uh oh, Lou's boss just came around to my cube as I was typing this up. I almost got caught there...)

His resignation set into motion the dormant dust collecting collective wheels at this company. "No, we can't let Lou leave," they screamed!!

Faster than you can say, "I'm leaving because you treat me like crap and I've been offered a better position with more money," my company matches the new salary that Lou's been offered. Of course to make it a win for the company, they lower his bonus so it would be an exact match.

But that's not good enough for Lou.

He says, "Are you kidding? I complain about this for over a year and you don't do anything until I threaten to leave? And you think just matching the offer is going to make me want to stay? What planet are you guys living on? If you even want me to consider staying at this company, here's the number I want to see on my paycheck."

He gives them a number that is $5k more.

The company comes back to Lou and says, "If we don't give you this, are you going to leave?"

Lou considers the offer and then, realizing that he already has another job, says, "Yes."

The company caves in. Lou wins and comes out with a $15k salary raise + bonus. Good for him!

And that's the way it is. If there is anything to be learned from this story it is that you have fight for what you want, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, and never think twice about demanding the reasonable.

I'm going to go find a headhunter too.

Someone just got fired

2004-08-19T10:47:00.000-04:00

Actually two people just got the axe. What did they do? Could it be:

Failure to follow their boss' directions and supervision? Nope
An attendance problem? Nope
Poor quality of work? Nope
Incompetence? Nope
Insubordination? Nope
Substance abuse? Nope

The rumor mill has churned out the following reason: Sex...with each other

No! It couldn't be! Two employees have lost their jobs for willingly engaging in mentionable carnal acts? Apparently so, but there are more ingredients that make up this dish. (cue: Ominous music) They were caught by one of the Directors of the company.

Of course then, it all makes sense:

They must have been caught doing it on the CEO's desk! Nope
They were caught in the supply closet? Nope
Perhaps some damning DNA evidence was swabbed from the photocopy machine by David Caruso and matched up in his CSI lab? Not a chance

Actually, they weren't even on company grounds. Well, not really. They were on the 11th floor.

Allow me to explain. Our company takes up the entire 3rd, 4th, and 5th floors of our office building. The 11th floor used to be occupied by some local field offices of a pharmaceutical company. Several months back there was a large fire up on their floor. Who know what those crazy kids were doing up there. Probably freebasing and contemplating how their parent company can increase medication costs. I don't know. The fire and subsequent water damage destroyed most of the upstairs, so the building management office gutted the entire floor. I mean everything had to go! There are no walls, no floors (just concrete) and no ceiling (just wires and HVAC vents). You go up there and aside from the elevator section, it's 360 degrees of windows, which I admit is quite a sight to behold.

Going up to the 11th floor with someone (usually of the opposite sex) has turned into the equivalent of the "meet me behind the bleachers after class" for the adult worker. Many people know about it, as rumors go, but no one really acknowledges it. It's kind of been the unsaid place that some working folks have been going to unwind, or should I say "unzip."

I haven't been up there for that purpose. Not that I haven't been offered the opportunity to sneak up there with the office hottie for a quickie...well...actually that is the reason. But that's besides the point. I wouldn't accept an offer like that anyhow, it's dirty, seedy, and downright arousing. Regardless, at this point you're just begging to get caught, which is what happened to our two unlucky lovers.

Now what was a Director of the company doing up on that floor? Perhaps he had heard the rumors of the awful acts being committed up there? Perhaps he was hoping to find a slutty receptionist waiting in heat for him? Maybe he just pushed the wrong button on the elevator and stepped out unknowingly into the abyss? Or could he have been about to take part in a corporate threesome, only to be shunned at the last moment? I don't know anything for sure yet, but in time all truths will be revealed.

Now the other burning question on everyone's mind is: How could they get fired for having sex with each other, off company premises?

Here's why: We work in an "at will" State.

In most states of the United States all employees are considered "at will" employees. That means that the employer can terminate or change the employment relationship "at will", unless there is a contract with the employer. In general, an employer can fire an "at will" employee, or change the employee's position or compensation with no notice and no reason. Unless the termination violates federal or state law, company policies, or an implied contract, there is very little that an at will employee can do to protest such action.

This means that you can be fired for such alarming issues as: Having a hair out of place, talking to loudly, wearing a shirt with a color deemed offensive by your manager, having visible ear wax, or being caught in a sexual position by a Director of the company who can't get his wife to also do it doggy-style.

So what's the moral of the story?

...

Who knows, I can't think of a damned positive spin on this one.
How about, "The only f**king allowed around here is supplied by the company."

Interesting Times

2004-08-18T18:44:00.000-04:00

This is becoming interesting as people are starting to leave comments on some of my posts!

I'm trying to figure out a way to communicate back without using the comment system. But I'm still figuring this whole thing out. If anyone knows of something that can interface with Blogger, let me know.

Please share with me your workplace horror stories! I know there are plenty of you out there looking to vent as well.

I created an email address if anyone cares to contact me directly (though comments on posts are pretty direct)

It's:

BlogBrian
at
email.com

I separated everything in the hopes that the email harvesters won't figure that out...

Oh yeah, I'd like to be able to post any emails that I find interesting. If you don't wish to have your email message used, simply note that somewhere in the subject. Don't worry, if I do post a message from someone, I won't post anyone's name or email address.

Meeting with the Boss

2004-08-17T22:54:00.000-04:00

Had a meeting with the boss today, unintentionally. As I've made it a rule to post whenever I have a meeting with my boss, you'll note that it has been a while since the last one. No kidding here folks.

I don't think that I've described McKeough physically in any real detail yet. Let's see, Late 50's, 5' 8", gotta be pushing 200lbs. He always wears these striped pants that exactly bisect his large stomach. Graying brown hair, in your typical male pattern baldness configuration. Also, his left bottom eyelid has a bit of a droop to it.

If I could sum him up in two words they would be: Platitudinous and Prosaic (look em up if you have to)

I've written a short Haiku about him:

McKeough
Do you know my role
I thought so

All I had planned to do was to drop by his office to leave some papers that needed his signature. Suprisingly, he was in his ornate leather chair, doing work. And when I say 'work' I mean polishing one of bronze lion statue/figures that he has displayed on his opulent mahogany desk.

McKeough decides to have an impromtu discussion with me regarding what I would really like to be doing at the company. Am I bored? Keeping busy? What are my dreams? Plans?

He talked and talked and talked, while all the time I merely nodded my head and threw in a few "yeps" and "uh huhs" and "you're rights".

He's also got this really weird thing where he talks and doesn't ask any questions, but expects you to expand upon his ideas. This is indicated by him stopping talking at any given sentence, and then staring at you until you feel compelled to make some sort of gutteral noise, or somehow add to the conversation.

I hate this.

Sometimes, when that moment of silence comes along, I'll try talking about something all together not related, or just spewing out sentences of jargon. As an inside joke between myself and no one else, I sometimes try to work the words 'flux capacitor' into the conversation; just to see if he's paying attention.

I managed to get out of the office without agreeing to do anything; without any project plans, timeframes, or execution strategies.

The slacker's new bible

2004-08-17T09:41:00.000-04:00

I found this fantastic article about a new book (The Art and the Importance of Doing the Least Possible in the Workplace) that has come out. They say this woman Corinne Maier is the Scott Adams of France (you know, the Dilbert guy)

Regardless, I had to post this for you all.

MSNBC - The slacker's new bible

10 commandments for the idle

No. 1 You are a modern day slave. There is no scope for personal fulfilment. You work for your pay-check at the end of the month, full stop.

No. 2 It's pointless to try to change the system. Opposing it simply makes it stronger.

No. 3 What you do is pointless. You can be replaced from one day to the next by any cretin sitting next to you. So work as little as possible and spend time (not too much, if you can help it) cultivating your personal network so that you're untouchable when the next restructuring comes around.

No. 4 You're not judged on merit, but on whether you look and sound the part. Speak lots of leaden jargon: people will suspect you have an inside track

No. 5 Never accept a position of responsibility for any reason. You'll only have to work harder for what amounts to peanuts.

No. 6 Make a beeline for the most useless positions, (research, strategy and business development), where it is impossible to assess your 'contribution to the wealth of the firm'. Avoid 'on the ground' operational roles like the plague.

No. 7 Once you've found one of these plum jobs, never move. It is only the most exposed who get fired.

No. 8 Learn to identify kindred spirits who, like you, believe the system is absurd through discreet signs (quirks in clothing, peculiar jokes, warm smiles).

No. 9 Be nice to people on short-term contracts. They are the only people who do any real work.

No. 10 Tell yourself that the absurd ideology underpinning this corporate bullshit cannot last for ever. It will go the same way as the dialectical materialism of the communist system. The problem is knowning when...

I played hookey

2004-08-16T23:55:00.000-04:00

I decided this morning that I wasn't getting out of bed. I was gong to take the day off, and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could do about it.

On top of that, I didn't even call in to tell anyone I was gone. I can check my voicemail from home and follow up on anything urgent. Nobody will even know where I am.

I just don't care. Why should I?

All I did was prove myself right. No calls from the boss, no check ups.

How do I get paid for this?

I must be begging to be fired

2004-08-10T11:30:00.000-04:00

I left work early yesterday, very early. About 2pm. I didn't have a client meeting to go to, or any business errand to run. I just left.

I left because I was so friggin tired of just sitting around staring at my stupid Outlook email inbox. I was bored out of my mind and felt I had better things to be doing like watching TV or sitting out on my deck drinking a beer or four in the sun.

I left because nobody pays attention to where I am, what I am doing, or even if I'm still alive. I imagine that I could die at my desk, and no one would know for at least several hours, maybe a whole day (I do have friends that come around to my cube, but if it was a Friday, they'd all be rushing to get out the door, possibly leaving me behind to decompose for the weekend)

I left because I wanted to see if I could just walk out, talking to no one, not saying where I was going, shirking my responsibilities like some deadbeat crack addict, more interested in finding the next fix than paying attention to anything that really matters.

I begin to wonder if I'm really fooling anyone. Would my boss know? Would my clients figure it out? Would my subordinates reveal the hideous certainty behind the facade of this preposterous lie I have conceived?

The answer is: no

Nobody was the wiser. Nobody questioned anything. Nobody cared. Nobody thought that perhaps I was leaving work unfinished for the day. Nobody thought I should have to continue to sit in my cube as part of faceless Corporate America along with the rest of the children without a vision of their own.

That, is why I left early. Perhaps I'll do it again today.

Company Move

2004-08-04T10:45:00.000-04:00

So my company has decided to move offices. Apparently there is some cheaper office space in this City just down the road from where we currently are.

I don't really care about this at all. If my company thinks it can save several million dollars by moving into a shittier office space, then so be it. I don't have time to be concerned by such trivial things, there are web sites to be looked at.

The only thing that does bother me is that I know I'm going to lose my window. I currently have a wonderful scenic view of the downtown area here in Bridgeport. Buildings, people, and the occasional carfire. It's a wondersful view. Also, I can't imagine having to rely on fluorescent light.
I feel that if they are going to give me some new area, with no window in sight, they should give me a raise. This window view is worth at least $10,000 in salary, no question! I would gladly continue to receive my meager paycheck for the ability to have this wonderous open view.

Something that I don't understand, and will not comply with in the least, is that all employees have been asked to come in on the weekend during to move, to help set up everything.

Who are they kidding?

I have nothing to set up. The IT dept will set up my computer, all the other stuff in and around my desk is actually just for show. I don't need any of it. I rarely refer to the horde of papers and folders that I have collected over the years. It's all just part of the illusion that actually do work around here. I'm sure I will have no problem the following week distributing things around my workspace in an attempt to show work in progress.

Besides, I will be away that weekend on a trip I planned many months ago. I'm sorry if that interferes with the moving plans. Maybe I'll tell the CEO that it would be better for me if the company moved the following weekend, so I could fit it into my schedule a little bit better.

Bonus time

2004-07-26T23:02:00.000-04:00

For the entire time I have been at this company, I have always received my full quarterly bonus. Always. It's never been less, it's usually been more than planned.

Until this past payout.

I opened up my paycheck to find that I did not receive 100%, but 92% instead. I immediately began thinking through the possible reasons for this...and couldn't come up with anything.

My bonus is determined by the score I receive on my monthly Essential Objectives. The Essential Objectives are a bunch of subjective and objective assessments on how well you are performing your job. It varies from position to position, but usually includes such things as, % to Revenue, Sales, Appointments, Client Problem Solving, etc. Each item is given a weighted number, which in turn, determines your monthly score. The scores range from 0.0 - 5.0

This is how the scores pay out, of course, subject to management discretion:

0.0 - 2.9 = 0% of your bonus
3.0 - 3.9 = 65% of your bonus
4.0 - 4.5 = 100% of your bonus
4.6 - 5.0 = 125% of your bonus

Now I know for a fact that I had over a 4.0 for the quarter, which should entitle me to 100% of my already negotiated bonus. I know that I had over a 4.0 because I fill out my own monthly scores. My boss is so hands off, that each month he has me rate my own effectiveness, and then tells me we'll go over it. We haven't gone over my monthly score in months.

Not only that, but my department is one of the only ones to have hit 100% of our revenue target for the quarter. We're the only ones on track. Interestingly enough, I'm not tied into revenue whatsoever.

So I confronted my boss about this issue and demand that he explain it to me. He rattled off a bunch of corporate bullcrap like, "There was an 'across the board' bonus reduction. Our company has higher payouts that other companies...our company isn't hitting our revenue goals...I agree with what we're doing...blah blah blah."

I said, "I don't work for other companies. Why should I be punished for some other departments not pulling their own weight? There is nothing I can do to affect their revenue production. I don't agree with this company decision. What kind of motivation does that present for me?"

It makes sense doesn't it? I can't be out of my mind? If my bonus is decreased, and I am not made whole, because of circumstances beyond any control, then what is my motivation to go 'above and beyond?'

Well, it turns out that there is a different story behind all of this. Our COO, Harlow Bulldozer, who's bonus is based on many things, including the profit margin of the company, decided at the last minute to enact this broad and sweeping bonus plan payout modification. Apparently, Harlow had gotten chewed out by the CEO because his group was being paid 100%+ of their bonus. Our CEO said, how could everyone in your group be getting 100% when the whole company isn't doing as well?"

So instead of rewarding the good, and punishing the bad, Harlow decided it would only be fair if everyone received the same detraction. Except here's the rub, it didn't affect the entire company, only some select groups, including mine.

Now, because Harlow wants to be an asshole, and protect his own pockets, I have to suffer.

Corporate greed wins again.

Big Guy: 1
Little Guy: 0

Stupid Meetings

2004-07-24T03:29:00.000-04:00

If there is ever a sign of bloated corporate stupidity, it would be meetings.

We have too many friggin meetings at my company. Pre-meetings, meetings, post-meeting discussions. Meetings to talk about the meetings! Nobody ever does anything, it's all talk, no action. Everybody is too busy in meetings to get anything done. (and we're suprised that the company overall is not meeting our revenue goal)

Today I sat in a meeting for a department that I have absolutely nothing to do with. For 45 minutes I sat there and listened to 8 people discuss some god awful process having to do with some god awful service. I took no notes, I didn't say one word. I have no idea what the hell the meeting was even about. I just sat there and stared at everyone. I can't even remember why I got pulled into the conference. But who cares? I sat there the whole time with the following thoughts running through my head, "Why the hell am I sitting here? For what possible purpose could taking up 45 minutes of my Internet time be needed? I can't follow anything these people are talking about. It's all just so stupid. None of this means anything to me. I just don't care."

All I wanted to do was stand up, slam my fists on the table and yell, "Who cares about this shit!? It all means nothing! Don't you get it? Why are you wasting my fucking time?"

I honestly have no idea what everyone discussed. It was obviously very important and impacting on my life. Miserable stupid fucking meetings.

Enough about this for now, it's time to pass out.

The Infallible Richard Brinkley

2004-07-23T09:41:00.000-04:00

There are plenty of reasons I can't stand being around here anymore. Here's another.

There are a lot of people at this company that walk around here with the attitude that they are the messiah, and that you should only be so lucky to have them accidentally look at you. In reality, these people are insecure, self-serving, corporate whoring, ass jockeys.

Such is the case of our friend, and head of the Syndicate Augmentation Department, Richard Brinkley.

Seeing as how I have no direction, and no idea where I am going in this company, I decided to set up a meeting with Richard. He's the expert and can maybe come up with some ideas by 'evaluating my skill set'.

Now I've known Richard since coming to work here, and he's always been the same. Very straight and professional in the office. Hardly ever cracks a smile. Uses a headset on the phone in his office, and speaks very loudly into it. I'm not sure what he really does all day, but he always looks very busy. A cunning ruse I'm sure. When you run into him at Happy Hour, he's all smiles, telling jokes, slapping your back, he's your best friend...as long as the beer is flowing.

So I "Outlook" Richard. "Outlook" is short for Microsoft Outlook, the defacto program for Email, Scheduling, and Contact management. In corporations you aren't allowed to use simple terms for anything. Everything has to have it's own little meaning or acronym. So instead of saying, "Richard, I'll set up a meeting with you tomorrow at 3pm" you would say, "Richard, I'll Outlook you." See how that just flows off the tip of your tongue? It's a whole 7 words, and 10 syllables shorter. In the corporate world shorter and faster means better profit margins and more payouts for the CEO and Directors.

Richard accepts my Outlook request.

The next day I run into him in the hallway, he looks rushed and impatient. He stops for a second and says, "You need to reschedule our meeting. I'm going to be traveling all day tomorrow." I think, 'Ok, I'll reschedule it because you neglected to update your online calendar. Sorry to impose on your plans. Gosh, wouldn't it have been nice to have known that when I scheduled the meeting.'

I reschedule the meeting for the next available day in his calendar, Friday. He accepts that meeting.

Friday comes and I show up at his office at the scheduled time; the door is closed. Richard only closes the door when he has an important meeting. Even when he is on the phone, yelling and screaming, the door is open to the world. So I press my ear to the door, yep, I hear a conversation going on. "Ok" I figure, he's got a meeting running overtime. I'll come back in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later the door is still closed. This time I decide to wait 5 minutes outside the door. No good. I go back to my desk and decide to give it 10 minutes and go back. It's still closed. At this point I decide that I've been stood up. Sadly, I resign myself back to my cube.

I never hear a word about our missed meeting. I next run into Richard 7 days later. He says, "What happened?" I told him that his door was closed and I heard a group of people inside his office. "You should have knocked and come in." Right, that would have been real appropriate to the man who wouldn't close his door if they tear gassed the entire building. I said, "Look the ball is in your court now. You tell me when you're available. I'll look to hear from you."

I get a call from him later that day. "How about we talk over breakfast Monday morning. Will you be in around 8am?"
"No problem."

Can you figure out the next part of this on your own? Can you guess who didn't show up Monday morning? Can you come up with a reason for this bullshit?

Three strikes...

The Good and the Bad About My Job

2004-07-22T09:15:00.000-04:00

There are some really good things about my job, but there are some equally awful things as well.

A blessing or a curse?
My boss, McKeough, is pretty non-existent. What this means is that I really have no one watching over me. Nobody's hawking over my shoulder trying to micro-manage my time and activities. Nobody checking up on me to make sure things are getting done. Nobody questioning what I do. This is great because it allows me to come and go when I please. It allows me to take hour and a half lunches (even on days when we're leaving the office early). I have tons of freedom to throw around, and lots of time to walk around talking to my co-workers. I probably see my boss with my own eyes once every three days.

To illustrate that point, allow me to indulge you with this anecdote: I took two personal days off last month (two of the four that my company graciously grants it's indentured servants). During this time, one of our Account Managers called McKeough asking him something about our service. Because McKeough is very uninvolved and pretty much living in a dream world, he told the Account Manager to refer to me. The account manager said, "Isn't he away?" McKeough replied, "I don't know."

The fact that my boss is pretty non-existent is also a hindrance. I have no direction, no guidance, nobody really telling me if something is right or wrong. I have only my finely tuned business acumen for help. I have no idea where my career is going, or what else I should be doing. I have found that sometimes it is good to have someone looking over your shoulder, just slightly, to make sure you're on the right track.

My job has become mind-numbingly dull. I have worked really hard in the past to make my job very easy and low maintenance today. I've probably filled out my own pink slip, and written myself into obsolescence. After Sven left the company to pursue a career in the LA porn industry and I was catapulted up into his position, I started making lots of changes. See, while Sven ran the operations of the department, he was a salesman at heart. What this boils down to is that he made a lot of promises that couldn't be kept. Sell now, worry about it later. That's the motto of our company. I spent about 8 months solving problems and dealing with unruly customers who were fed up with the product and threatening to defect to our competitors.

What I succeeded in doing was stabilizing the customers, fixing many issues, and automating a lot of the internal processes. And as a testament to my success, any other responsibilities that I have, I've delegated to my subordinates (I know it's not very P.C. to call them subordinates, but 'colleagues' isn't right, and 'slaves' seemed too harsh)

This all leaves me with very little to do every day. And yes, I know to those of you who break their backs every day at the job, this sounds like a dream. But it isn't. I'm bored to tears. What's the quote?: "An idle mind is the Devil's workshop."

Indeed...

Met With My Boss

2004-07-21T15:38:00.000-04:00

I've decided to add another rule:

7) I will post everytime I have a meeting with my superior, McKeough. I will also note briefly what we discussed and how long the meeting lasted.

McKeough called me into his office just after 3pm. I spent the first 10 minutes sitting there while he finished talking on the phone and writing an email. We talked about the revenue forecast for August and how it needs to be updated. He questioned why some names were listed as potential clients and revenue. I told him that he had put those names on the forecast spreadsheet months ago, but I never questioned it. He denied doing so and told me to have it changed.

30 minutes for that.

My Morning Ritual

2004-07-21T09:50:00.000-04:00

I have a pretty strict morning ritual that I stick to before I can even begin to look at work.

I usually pull into the building parking lot in-between 8:15 and 8:25am every morning. I always listen to Howard Stern, so if he's in the middle of a funny bit, I have to sit in my car and listen till it's over. I walk to the in-house cafeteria and pick up breakfast. It's either going to be a chocolate chip muffin and a Raspberry Snapple, or cereal and whole milk (though it can only be sweet candy-covered cereal like Frosted Flakes or Lucky Charms, none of that healthy Special-K or Rice Krispies crap).

After that, it's upstairs where the ritual really begins. First off, I turn on the little clock/radio at my desk so I can continue to listen to the Stern show. Then I log into my computer network (this takes about 5 minutes because my PC is a piece of junk and has been with the company longer than I have). As the ridiculously long boot up sequence takes place, I check my voicemail. I dread walking into my cube every morning and seeing that little red light lit up on the telephone. It's there, warning me, that something must be wrong. Somebody's looking for me, maybe they have some questions. Maybe it's a client that has called me, also with a stupid question. I'll write down any pertinent message info, and make note to call them back later...if at all.

After the PC is done booting, I load up Microsoft Outlook; this takes 5-10 minutes. I have 4000+ emails in my inbox, not counting the ones that have been filed in other folders. Every morning brings an additional 15-20. Not bad, but still a pain in the ass to wait for everything to load up. Most of my emails consist of nonsense that does nothing but drain the life from my body when I read them. The only thing I look for in emails are to see if any of my friends from the outside world have sent me anything inappropriate to look at.

At this point I open up my web browser, my home page is My.Yahoo.com. This page consists of 15 Headline Topic modules (each with 10 headlines) 9 stock portfolios, 3 comics, and several other assorted things. I scan through all 150 headline articles, probably fully reading 10 or 15 of them. This only takes me 20-25 minutes (I'm a very fast reader). I'm also eating my "breakfast of champions" during all this.

There's a bunch of other web sites that I have to check as well: MSNBC, Drudgereport.com, The Hollywood Stock Exchange, Wired, CNN (I'm a news junkie if you can tell), The Onion, and Ameritrade (to load up my real-time Streamer stock ticker)

My company claims to enforce a very strict internet access policy. Apparently all usage is monitored, and if and employee is deemed to be abusing it, they will be "warned". After the second warning, you can be summarily fired.

Now I don't believe for a second that the company follows it's own policy. Why? I spend several hours every day on the internet. I read news, I download things, I hang out on message boards, hell I've got a server pushing stock quotes to my desktop for 6.5 hours every day! (I don't look at porn at the office. That is the one thing I won't do, there's plenty of time for that at home) If this policy was really in effect, I would have been tossed out the door not long after being hired 4 years ago.

So either:

The company doesn't enforce the policy, or
I'm doing such a fantastic job, they overlook my blatant abusues of their system

I'm not going with the latter idea on this one.

By now, it's around 9:20am: Time call my Stockbroker.

I give him a call. We discuss how we think the market is going to open, talk about some stock buying or selling ideas, hopefully some money-making stuff. I usually end up doing nothing but wasting his time, he's a great guy for putting up with all my nonsense. I need to listen to his advice more often.

The market opens at 9:30am sharp. I watch my wonderful real-time stock ticker for 15 minutes to see if it's going to be a good or bad day. I also read some stock news headlines on stuff I own, and check over the message boards to see what people are saying.

Now I auto-preview my emails, and only fully open up anything that I absolutely have to respond to. If my phone rings at anytime during this ritual, I refuse to pick it up. It has to go straight to voicemail, especially if I don't recognize the caller id.

Just before 10am, I take a quick lap around the office to say "hi" to some friends.

Now I can sit down and do some work. Only 2 hours till lunch.

I almost forgot

2004-07-20T12:14:00.000-04:00

It seems that in this electronic world, everyone still needs that one piece of symbolism that connects us back to our human interests. With that being the case, I realized I didn't give you all a name to refer to me by. You can call me Brian.

It might really be my first name, it might be my middle name, heck it could even be an anagram for my last name. You be the judge.

The beginning of the beginning?

2004-07-20T10:27:00.000-04:00

I'm starting this blog because it's probably the only thing that will keep me from jumping out of my office window. I'm tired of all the corporate bull, the politics, all the nonsense. This will be my outlet.

So where do I begin with all of this? Well, I suppose it all starts with the fact that I hate my job. Now I know that a lot of you are thinking, "I hate my job too, what the hell makes you so special?" To that I answer, "I don't know, hopefully we'll figure that out here. Besides, I don't see you with a blog about it."

I'm going to lay down some rules for myself as this blog progresses, 1) to keep myself in check, 2) to make sure my employers don't figure out who I am and then fire me. I will say that I reserve the right to modify any of the rules at anytime I see fit. I also don't have to stick to any such rules if I really don't want to, this is my blog after all.

The Rules:

1) I reserve the right to add, delete, or change any rule
2) Names, places, and events can be changed to protect the innocent...or guilty
3) I will be honest about my thoughts and feelings (why not, it's anonymous)
4) I will not post just for the sake of posting (so don't expect an update several times a day)
5) I will enable comments on every post.
6) The only comments I will delete will be ones that profess to know who I am; whether they are correct or not. (I'm not trying to create a guessing game here)

So what about my job, let's get into some details. I work for a consulting company in a high rise office building in Connecticut. What my company really does is extremely boring, but we make a lot of money doing it. We consult with big businesses and find ways to get money for them. We look at different services they subscribe to and present money-saving ideas, we validate what they pay for various services and make sure no errors are made. We negotiate contracts for these subscriptions, and tons of other specific boring things.

I manage one of the smaller divisions in this company. I'm in charge of a $5 million dollar revenue stream, I manage 3 people, and I'm physically sick of it all. How I got to my position seems to be a combination of (in order of % of perceived importance) visibility, talent, and dumb luck.

I started in this company 4 years ago in an entry-level position after getting out of college. In school I majored in the Economics of Cooking and Leisure Time Activities. Once out of school, I found that it was tough to get a job as many Americans didn't want to eat. Two of my friends from grade-school were already working here, and they persuaded me to apply for a job so I could stop living off of my parents.

So I was offered a job in an entry-level position (kindergarten) in the salary range of $25,000 - $35,000. (I will decline to post the exact amount just because [you never know the real range might have been in the $50's...]). I was mildly shocked to find that the majority of my co-workers in kindergarten did not have college degrees and seemed to have been pulled out of the ghettos. Nonetheless, they were nice people, though destined to remain in that department for life. I would have none of that!

The job was very simple, reading documents and inputting data into a Microsoft Access database. There was a specific number of database entries you had to make a day, or face disciplinary action by the manager of the dept.
***Notes about the manager: The boss, who's name is Jerri, is a fat incompetent slob of a woman, who would have been fired or had numerous sexual harassment charges against her if she didn't have something incriminating on our CEO Craig. She's a divorcee who blatantly favors women as she hates most men, including yours truly.***

(In the course of this introduction, I am glossing over many different amusing stories. For the sake of getting through this first one and up to speed, I will promise to tell more stories in other posts after this.)

Naturally, due to my good looks and superior skills, I excelled at the menial task of database entry, and quickly rose to the top of the kidergarten class.

Soon I began to be courted by Sven, who ran a brand new department in the company called "Employee Reconciliation". Sven felt that I could be a good addition to the team and hired me into his group after I'd been at the company for only six months (I use the term 'group' with artistic license, there was only the two of us).

Eventually we hired more people as the years passed, and they reported to me. Then one day Sven was fired...I mean he left on his own accord. No one in this company is ever fired, they're just 'asked to leave'. This event catapulted me into the top position (more or less, I'm still reporting to someone higher, as is always the case), but I run the operations and make most of the decisions for the group. No one else in the company knows, or cares, how this department runs, so I was the only person who could move into the position.

So that's where I am. If you have questions, please ask away.

Again, I apologize to all who are reading this that I have skipped over many things, but I assure you I will revist them in due time. I have been staring at this screen for a while, but I do have some things to do that are work related (though I'd rather jam scissors into my eyeball first). I do need to step away from this for a few hours, but I will return, as this fire that burns shall not be extinguished so easily.

I fully intend to delve deeply into the garbage that I deal with on a daily basis, holding nothing back...you'll see.